There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
