i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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