No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I didn't notice because vodka
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
