I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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