you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
