Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
