You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.