I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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