True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
