So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
