mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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