That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
