I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
