please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
