She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
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My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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