Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
