we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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