Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
