my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
