You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
