she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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