You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
