I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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