my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
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the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
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I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize