Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
