Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
