Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
