Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
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I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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