his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
