I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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