Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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