I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
