I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
