And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
