he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
