Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
