You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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