Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
