ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
