Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
