He uses pillows to masturbate.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
