You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
