I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
