then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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