"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Its about making memories worth repressing
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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