I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
