hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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