No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
