and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
