Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think I am morally bankrupt
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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