I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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