We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
