Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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