mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
