wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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