You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
